[24 May 2004|09:12pm] i've become rather apathetic. i want to cry, but there are no tears left. the words feel vindictive and cold but i know that i say the same things. i am those words. those words are mine. we are blood. i let this painful disease wash over me and i don't feel the ice anymore. i am numb. post a reply

[21 May 2004|11:46pm] i am always given the opportunity of a lifetime, and i don't let it pass me by. but it chooses to pass me by. i don't believe in time, so why should it control me so? sometimes i just want to disappear. i will keep walking past that stop where i am supposed to turn, and then you will never see me again. funny how i just did that, and here i am addicted to the stuff. post a reply

[19 May 2004|10:31pm] i had a dream and it lasted for weeks. in it, i was happy. i was walking and talking with this man in the park, and everything he said felt like home. and he looked at me with such electricity that i could not move away from him. it was heaven. it was hell. it was me. it was you. it was right. but then it was wrong. i looked everywhere but he had gone and he would speak but i could not see him. and then i woke up. but i guess, i was never asleep. and that man, he was you. but disappearances are never what they seem. i must confess, i stole that idea. i have not had one original thought since you left me. post a reply

[19 May 2004|09:40pm] i want to kiss a stranger. today i walked around chasing pigeons. i love to chase pigeons. one day i will kiss a stranger, and he will like to chase pigeons too. i wish it was you. but you prefer alcohol. post a reply

[16 May 2004|01:59pm] i told him my name was 'elle' like the silly girl i am. he was feeding the pigeons, and as much as i disagree with that, i couldn't help but think of it as beautiful. i just stood there looking at him, water bottle in hand. he looked up, grabbed his things, and left. funny how i have that effect on people. 2 comments| post a reply

[16 May 2004|09:02am] one time i went outside, it was winter. in texas. and it was snowing. not like it does here in new york. it was barely snowing. there were three flurries to hit my entire block and one of them came down right before me. no one believed me. i guess life is a lot like that. you can scream anything you want, and 99.99% of the world isn't even listening. 2 comments| post a reply

[15 May 2004|09:08pm] i found myself wasting so much time today. playing games and disappearing. like i just can't control myself. humanity stirs this ambivalence in me, and i don't want any harm to come to people, but i want them to regret what they've done to me, and i want them to miss me. i want my entire past to see me walk through and the door and say 'damn' softly because they realize now what they have missed out on. i want to dazzle the crowd. i want to smile and see everyone's jaw drop when i put one foot forward. i want to be admired. i want to be famous. if everyone loved me, i think i might be happy. post a reply

[15 May 2004|06:11pm] the funniest thing happened to me today when i was walking in central park. i've always considered myself sensible. but i realize now how untrue that is. i make rash decisions and act on impulse when i should stop and think about things. one day it will finally dawn on me that things need to change. but today is not that day. post a reply

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